We Were Not Meant To Be Alone: Happy National Friendship Day!!!!

Today in national friendship day so I thought I would celebrate it with a blog post celebrating all the people in my life who make it so deep and rich and meaningful! I wish that today I could gather all these people together and have big party and tell each one how much they mean to me but since that is impossible, I'm going to do my best to do that here!

In my 31 years I have had the opportunity to have such a board and diverse group of friends. Some have come in and out of my life but everyone has made some sort of impact and made me a more complete person.

Stephanie Schutzenhofer and Clare Barratt were some of my first friends. The filled my elementary school years with games, bikes, girl talk, clubs, and some ridiculous memories. I never had school friends quite like them and I'm thankful for those 2 years of fun that we had along with my sister!

Speaking of my sister, she and I had our moments but I am so thankful that she is someone that no matter what happens in life or how far apart we are she will always be there. We grew up together and know how much we each have changed. I am thankful that I got to be a part of her wedding to her best friend and soon get to call myself an aunt to her daughter and that I can always call her one of my best friends!

During my nine summers at Teen Missions I had the unique opportunity to spend time with 20-30 other people serving and learning all over the world. There is something unique that happens when you bath in a pirana filled river together or hike the swiss alps, or all get jungle rut from standing in water building a foundation that overcomes a multitude of life experiences and distance. I know the friends I've made at TMI will understand these crazy summers like no one else can!

Though it was small, my group of friends in high school gave me the opportunity to learn what it meant to challenge and encourage each other. We tried to figure out how to grow up, start relationships, and step into adulthood in the right way and had lots of fun doing it :)

FCC gave me my first real best friend and a multitude of others who laughed with me, cried with me, taught with me, learned with me, challenged me, and encouraged me. Bethany Jett was the my first friend and helped introduce me to college life. She made that first semester so much fun! My roommates throughout my four and a half years taught me how to live with people well and just how amazing it can be to live with other girls and how those relationships can last for years after. Morgan and Beth were so kind and encouraging to a new freshman girl who had no idea what she was doing. Living with Becca, Emily, Serenity, and Jennifer my junior year was epic! Including the infamous night to remember, too many late nights, and an opportunity to live with some of my best friends! Katie, Liz, Emily, and Crystal made my last year such a memorable and special one, even though we had to live in 3 different apartments in 9 months-I wouldn't have wanted any other experience. There are so many others who made my time at FCC special. I'm so glad I got to celebrate bridal showers, weddings, baby showers, and birthdays. I got to learn with amazing classmates, play basketball with some great girls, pray with and learn from so many. I'm so glad I still run into former classmates because those relationships were life changing. I love it that I still get to travel with Crystal, Rachel and Miriam and there are not many others I would rather take these adventures with! FCC taught me so much about friendship and each one of these people changed my life!

My year in Lincoln was filled with some pretty awesome people as well. Transitioning from the unique college experience was hard but these people made it better. The girls I got to work with as Head Resident in Harmony dorm were so much fun and helped me realize how much I enjoy working with college age ministry! Elilo and Sophia made my time in Lincoln so much fun, taught me about their home cultures, made me amazing food, and loved me. I'm thankful that even though they are far away they are still a part of my life. Lisa was such a great roommate and even though I never exercised with her, I'm so glad I got to be a part of her wedding years later!

Muncie had it's ups and downs but through that experience I learned so much about what community can truly look like and I am thankful for the good and bad times. Mindie Moore and Beth Amos were two of the first people I was able to get to know. I loved so much our hour...or two hour lunches at MT Cup. These two ladies helped me get through that first year of transition. I don't know if I would have survived without them. I am so thankful that we can still meet today and have the same amazing conversations and that we can still challenge and encourage and love each other through the crazy things in our lives.

I also had the unique opportunity to hang out with so many amazing girls through accountability groups and hours of Just Dance at my house! I am so thankful for the opportunities I had to hear about these girls lives and to watch as they loved and served each other. Caity Rickey, Cindy Thom, Maria Wilkinson, Elle Benson, Laura Casey, and Kristen Dauterman thanks for being my first ever group and for teaching me how to even start to do this sort of mentoring and thanks for sticking with it through the good and the bad. Esther, Mariah, Jessica, Mollie, Amy, Allison, Lauren, Anna, Carmen, Kayla, Bridget, Charlotte, Brooke, Elizabeth, Holly, Sarah, and Becca thank you for sharing your life with me, the good and the bad moments, and letting me share mine with you. I love each and every one of these girls.

There are so many that were such an encouragement through all the craziness that happened. I'm thankful for Hannah Lemmons and her nights staying on my futon and the special ways she would be an encouragement to me and others. For the many nights of wii and other fun with Jeremy Lemmons. I miss that! For Kellan Deam who is one of the most generous people I have ever met. I'm so glad for the many times Allison Menze would come just to sit on my comfy couch. I'm thankful for the mentoring coffee meetings with Becca Schafer were she would be as much of an encouragement to me as I a mentor to her. For Holly Brown and her passion for those who have been unjustly injured and her willingness to step out and love people. Lauren Mccready helped move me so many times and I loved having her live with me...even when her socks were all over my living room! For Chris Dobbs who always checks in and has treated me to Olive Garden more than anyone should! For Tim Little who was such an encouragement in the midst of all the bad. I could go on and on but I am so lucky to have experienced the love and friendship of each one of these people and so many more, including the many international students who expanded my understanding and taught me so much about the world!

This past year in Virginia was unexpected but I was blessed with a group of ladies from my church who I got to meet with and were an encouragement in a pretty sucky time in my life. And the two ladies I worked with at Brooke Point High School reminded me that I can keep going and take the next step in my life. I am glad that people show up even in the most unexpected times. My parents and brother were also such a special part of this year, even though they are family they walked with me as friends through the mess.

There are some people in your life that you go through such crazy stuff with that you form a bond for life. I would do anything for these people and I know they would do the same for me. They are amazing and each make my life special in a different way.

Cindy Thom has been my roommate off and on for 3 years and a friend for longer than that. I have learned a great deal from her and I am so thankful that she is one of the people in my life that we can have some of the hardest and deepest conversations one second and then sing karaoke late into the night. I am grateful for the adventure around America and overseas and that I know there will be so many more! I am grateful that we are "soulfriends"! I am grateful for the terrible times and the good times because they have made our friendship what it is. I know without a doubt that amazing things are going to happen.

Maria Wilkinson has been a rock for me in my life. I know she would tell you that I've done so much for her but she has done so much more for me. I am thankful for the years that we lived together and maybe we'll get to do it again! I'm thankful that she challenges me but also loves me and listens to me no matter what. It is amazing to know that there is someone who is just on your side no matter what. She loves people and can get people to listen to her when no one else will. I couldn't do life with out this lady in it. Plus she makes the most amazing baked goods!!

Josh and Mikala Casey are more than just former coworkers and friends, they are family. Cadence and Leland are such an important part of my life and I love getting to be a part of theirs! I will do my best to be a good godmother to them :) Josh has taught me about forgiveness, trust, and loving each other through good and bad. I love our deep theological conversations over tea, I loved working with such a creative and passionate person and learned so much from his depth of knowledge. I'm glad to know that no matter what happens, this person will be in my life! Mikala is the kind of friend I need. She is someone who can help me see through the emotional fog in my life and can speak truth when I need it. I love it that she is willing to be spontaneous with me and that her couch is a pit of happiness that I can fall into for hours. Plus she is a pretty amazing wife and mom and was an amazing partner in ministry! This family is essential to my well being and I'm so glad I'm only a few hours away, though across the street was better and hopefully that will happen again someday.

I kind of can't believe Serenity Johnson and I have been friends for almost 13 years! From our first meeting at fake orientation I knew this girl was going to be someone special in my life. I'm thankful for the weird random things we did in college, like count the water fountains. I love that I got to take class with this girl, even though we were sometimes inattentive students and that we were coeditors of the most amazing yearbooks! I'm glad we got to live together, you came to my house for thanksgiving multiple times, that I got to be your maid of honor, that we lived minutes from each other in Cincinnati, that I got to visit you in South Korea, that I get to love and get to know your children, that we can watch ridiculous marathons and talk about our lives, good and bad, simultaneously! I'm thankful that we don't get to see each other as much as we should it's always just home when we are together. I'm thankful that you were my first best friend and showed me what that looked like.

I love these people so much and I am so grateful for friendship. I'm grateful that we were not meant to live alone and when I look at the proof of all the amazing people in my life, I can say that I don't. Happy National Friendship Day!!!!!!!!!!

In the Midst of the Pain

A friend of mine asked some people why they keep coming back to the table. Why communion is so beautiful to them. I've been thinking about it all week and this blog I think is an answer.

Friends, it has been a long few years. I am a bruised scarred mess. And the place I feel the most pain is sitting in church. Guys, I've been hurt by the church. Not the whole church, but the church all the same. It's a complicated story with many, many parts. But the gist of it is a year and a half after my life drastically changed I am still often angry. I am still often hurt. I still shed many tears. I still relive conversations and emotions and events in my head. And deep down at the very heart of the issue, I feel like a complete an utter failure. A failure to God. A failure to those I ministered to. A failure to my friends. A failure to myself. I think, if only I was different and better, I wouldn't be here. And I'm terribly afraid to try again. And I'm terribly afraid that this has all just been a waste. And every day, especially on Sunday, I try not to think these things because that is not how a good Christian who puts her hope in God thinks. And yet, it is all still there. And I sit in church on Sunday and I cry.

I hate telling you this because it is ugly and reveals things that I would rather remain hidden. And I don't say this so you can tell me I'm not a failure. I write these things because I think maybe there are others who are in the midst of a similar painful journey and sometimes you feel like you are so alone and sometimes it seems like you only hear the story when there is a victory at the end.

Friends, right now I am in the midst of the pain and I'm not sure where the end lies. But I am trudging along and I see glimpses of something other than this place. I keep trying to forgive and failing and I keep handing the pain and anger and failure over to God. I feel like I am trying to restart my life at 31 and I am terrified and frustrated. And I look around at my world and I see people who are in even more desperate pain than me, who are enduring incredible suffering and my heart just breaks and I don't know what to do and I feel like I'm not doing enough.

And this is why I keep coming back to the table. This is why communion is so beautiful. Because every time I kneel and listen to words Jesus uttered to his confused, hopeless, messed up, broken disciples in that upper room I remember. And every time I recite with the rest of the congregation that I am not worthy to come to the table through my own righteousness, I remember. And whenever I am given the bread and wine and am told that this is the body and blood of Christ broken and shed for you, I remember. I remember that He is there, that He entered into the mess when there was no victory in sight and He promised reconciliation. In the midst of all of this I am reminded each time that in my present ugly pain, He is present as well. And that is beautiful. And His church is beautiful.

Life is sometimes hard...

These last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. Well, let's face it the last year has. But the last couple of weeks have been exceptional. I think I've cried my lifetime quantity of tears, so if that could be done, I would be happy about that.

Cindy and I were reading about our personalities yesterday and talking about how we deal with hurt and pain. Unfortunately, I have a hard time turning it off, letting it go, and it takes a toll on my sleep, which probably doesn't help my state of mind. Oh, overly emotional personality.

So, today I'm going to try to turn it off. I have packing I need to do, jobs to be applied for, rental agreements to write, cleaning to be done, details to be figured out. But I'm putting it off for today. I'm not going to think about the goodbyes I have to say, or the slightly terrifying step of starting over. Today, I'm going to enjoy my house, watch a little gilmore girls, sit on my front porch, and start the hard work again tomorrow.

Thoughts From a Non-mother on Mother's Day

Confession number one: I love my mom! She's been such a strong woman through so many challenges and is a great example to me. Plus she has supported me in all my crazy schemes all my life. Happy Mother's Day!

Confession number two: I have never been one of those girls who wanted kids or even really liked them that much. I mean, they were fine but I was certainly in no rush to have my own.

Confession number three: Mother's Day this year has been really hard for me.

You see, there is a difference between not really desiring kids and realizing year after year that it ever happening is becoming increasingly unlikely. I just turned 30 this year and as a 20 year old I was sure I would be married by now with a kid or two. Instead, I am starting my career over and am very much still single.

Now, I am normally ok with being a single woman. I do not regret my life so far. I have had opportunities and experiences I would not have had as a married woman with children. I have a great roommate whom I am happy to do life with and I have some wonderful friends and family. But some days, looking into the great unknown of my life, I realize that it may never happen and that is hard.

I have had the great privilege to watch and participate in the last almost 3 years of Cadence's life. I've watched him grow and learn. I've had the opportunity to love him. He's changed so much and I got to see it and I'm going to miss so much being a part of his daily life. He and his entire family have been such an important part of my life. I grieve the loss of that daily interaction and I am sure I am going to miss them all more than is healthy! But the fact is, they have been a family to this single woman far from her own. And Cadence has made me want to be a mother more than anything else ever has.

Happy Mother's Day Mikala! Thank you Caseys for letting me a part of your family and for giving me the opportunity to love your kid. We've been through so much together and that kind of bond is just too hard to break. I'm going to miss you guys so much but I know you are going to bring joy and life to your new community!

So, yeah, I know I'm not the only one who struggles as a non-mother on Mother's Day. I know it is hard. I cry with you. All of you who are mothers, you guys are great! I hope you feel so encouraged today.

I'm God's favorite...but so are you

"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33:20-22

This week has been one of those really hard ones where all the areas of struggle, pain, and fear in my life overlapped and overwhelmed me. It was like a perfect storm of things past, present, and future and I allowed it to get the best of me. But I am always amazed that it is in the midst of the mess when I cry out to God and say I don't know what to do that he reminds me of who he is. Several times this week I have been reminded of the greatness of God.

I just finished reading a book called Kisses from Katie this week. It is about a girl who decided to go to Uganda for a year and is now in the process of adopting 13 girls, runs a non-profit that allows over 200 kids to go to school, and reaches out to the community around her. As I read her stories, over and over again she pointed out how God does the impossible when we follow his call to love with abandon. One part in particular stood out to me. Someone told her in response to the amazing things God was doing that she was one of God's favorites. She agreed but reminded her readers we all are. It's easy to read this kind of book and say this is an exception but it's not. God looks at us and sees his favorite. He looks at the person who hurt me and sees his favorite. He looks at the person who is hurting and sees his favorite. If we live in this knowledge how can we not expect great things in our own lives and also in the lives of the people we are trying to forgive.

This morning I read Psalm 33 because it's the 3rd day of February and I can't just keep reading the first 31 psalms over and over! I'm going to be honest, I kind of skimmed those last three verses at first but when I realized I hadn't actually read them, I stopped and made myself concentrate and read it again. And then again. And again. And one more time. And it hit me hard. "We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield." In the midst of the process of forgiveness and healing of deep hurt, I wait in hope for the Lord. In the midst of financial insecurity, I wait in hope for the Lord. In the midst of trying to do something that seems beyond my capacity, I wait in hope for the Lord. It is good to be reminded that there is a lot of waiting involved. The problems aren't solved and the whole plan is not revealed but it is because of the unfailing love of God that I can wait in hope.

On a lighter note, I have failed at reading three books a week and we haven't consistently exercised every day but we have successfully made a meal from a different country! The important things in life :) And I have to say, I'm totally in love with the people in my life. Is that weird to say? But I truly am. I mean, for starters, I had the most amazing 30th birthday party. Pin the dentures on granny bon bon was played, enough said! I'm just so glad I get to do life, the good and the bad, with these people.

Until next time!

An Introduction

I am a terrible blogger. I know, you aren't supposed to start out with that kind of statement. But it's true. I joined the Xanga craze in college (now I'm dating myself) and probably updated it a whole four times. I was always bad at journaling too. I would write a four page entry every January 1st, promising to write more, and write again the next New Year. And since blogging is kind of like public journaling, I have never been very successful. All this to say, I'm jumping on the blogging bandwagon and trying again! Now that I have lowered everyone's expectations, I'm willing to give it a shot :)

So, because of a recent job change aka being let go, I have a lot of time on my hands. Going from a 60 hour a week job with no nights free to hoping to sub and small group one night a week is quite a change. I'm hoping to eventually move to Northern Ireland, start a coffee shop, and help fight sex trafficking but in the mean time I need something to keep me from spending my days watching America's Next Top Model marathons (don't judge)! So, I've set some goals for myself and I'm hoping this blog will keep me somewhat accountable.

Obviously, the most important goal is to figure out how to make this Northern Ireland dream a reality. I'm scared out of my mind and not sure what the first, second, or third step is but I also believe this is in fact the next step for me. Thoughts, advice, and prayers would all be welcomed!

In between hopefully a lot of opportunities to sub and planning out this next adventure, my roommate Cindy and I plan to enjoy tea time daily, cook a meal from another country every week, Just Dance for an hour a day, and finish all the seasons of 24. I know you all are jealous!

My own personal goal this year is to read 3 books a week. Now, I love to read, am a pretty fast reader, but also took a year to read Anna Karenina. And in the honesty of full disclosure, I did finish the third book of the first week in January this morning but I did not decide to do this until Friday, so I'm going to let it slide this time. I'm excited to put a dent in the sizable book list I've created for myself and learn, be encouraged, and change through this.

Wish me luck! I'm about to start on another adventure and will definitely be drinking a lot of coffee along the way and lets face it, probably a couple of Top Model Marathons :)