These last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. Well, let's face it the last year has. But the last couple of weeks have been exceptional. I think I've cried my lifetime quantity of tears, so if that could be done, I would be happy about that.
Cindy and I were reading about our personalities yesterday and talking about how we deal with hurt and pain. Unfortunately, I have a hard time turning it off, letting it go, and it takes a toll on my sleep, which probably doesn't help my state of mind. Oh, overly emotional personality.
So, today I'm going to try to turn it off. I have packing I need to do, jobs to be applied for, rental agreements to write, cleaning to be done, details to be figured out. But I'm putting it off for today. I'm not going to think about the goodbyes I have to say, or the slightly terrifying step of starting over. Today, I'm going to enjoy my house, watch a little gilmore girls, sit on my front porch, and start the hard work again tomorrow.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Thoughts From a Non-mother on Mother's Day
Confession number one: I love my mom! She's been such a strong woman through so many challenges and is a great example to me. Plus she has supported me in all my crazy schemes all my life. Happy Mother's Day!
Confession number two: I have never been one of those girls who wanted kids or even really liked them that much. I mean, they were fine but I was certainly in no rush to have my own.
Confession number three: Mother's Day this year has been really hard for me.
You see, there is a difference between not really desiring kids and realizing year after year that it ever happening is becoming increasingly unlikely. I just turned 30 this year and as a 20 year old I was sure I would be married by now with a kid or two. Instead, I am starting my career over and am very much still single.
Now, I am normally ok with being a single woman. I do not regret my life so far. I have had opportunities and experiences I would not have had as a married woman with children. I have a great roommate whom I am happy to do life with and I have some wonderful friends and family. But some days, looking into the great unknown of my life, I realize that it may never happen and that is hard.
I have had the great privilege to watch and participate in the last almost 3 years of Cadence's life. I've watched him grow and learn. I've had the opportunity to love him. He's changed so much and I got to see it and I'm going to miss so much being a part of his daily life. He and his entire family have been such an important part of my life. I grieve the loss of that daily interaction and I am sure I am going to miss them all more than is healthy! But the fact is, they have been a family to this single woman far from her own. And Cadence has made me want to be a mother more than anything else ever has.
Happy Mother's Day Mikala! Thank you Caseys for letting me a part of your family and for giving me the opportunity to love your kid. We've been through so much together and that kind of bond is just too hard to break. I'm going to miss you guys so much but I know you are going to bring joy and life to your new community!
So, yeah, I know I'm not the only one who struggles as a non-mother on Mother's Day. I know it is hard. I cry with you. All of you who are mothers, you guys are great! I hope you feel so encouraged today.
Confession number two: I have never been one of those girls who wanted kids or even really liked them that much. I mean, they were fine but I was certainly in no rush to have my own.
Confession number three: Mother's Day this year has been really hard for me.
You see, there is a difference between not really desiring kids and realizing year after year that it ever happening is becoming increasingly unlikely. I just turned 30 this year and as a 20 year old I was sure I would be married by now with a kid or two. Instead, I am starting my career over and am very much still single.
Now, I am normally ok with being a single woman. I do not regret my life so far. I have had opportunities and experiences I would not have had as a married woman with children. I have a great roommate whom I am happy to do life with and I have some wonderful friends and family. But some days, looking into the great unknown of my life, I realize that it may never happen and that is hard.
I have had the great privilege to watch and participate in the last almost 3 years of Cadence's life. I've watched him grow and learn. I've had the opportunity to love him. He's changed so much and I got to see it and I'm going to miss so much being a part of his daily life. He and his entire family have been such an important part of my life. I grieve the loss of that daily interaction and I am sure I am going to miss them all more than is healthy! But the fact is, they have been a family to this single woman far from her own. And Cadence has made me want to be a mother more than anything else ever has.
Happy Mother's Day Mikala! Thank you Caseys for letting me a part of your family and for giving me the opportunity to love your kid. We've been through so much together and that kind of bond is just too hard to break. I'm going to miss you guys so much but I know you are going to bring joy and life to your new community!
So, yeah, I know I'm not the only one who struggles as a non-mother on Mother's Day. I know it is hard. I cry with you. All of you who are mothers, you guys are great! I hope you feel so encouraged today.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
I'm God's favorite...but so are you
"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33:20-22
This week has been one of those really hard ones where all the areas of struggle, pain, and fear in my life overlapped and overwhelmed me. It was like a perfect storm of things past, present, and future and I allowed it to get the best of me. But I am always amazed that it is in the midst of the mess when I cry out to God and say I don't know what to do that he reminds me of who he is. Several times this week I have been reminded of the greatness of God.
I just finished reading a book called Kisses from Katie this week. It is about a girl who decided to go to Uganda for a year and is now in the process of adopting 13 girls, runs a non-profit that allows over 200 kids to go to school, and reaches out to the community around her. As I read her stories, over and over again she pointed out how God does the impossible when we follow his call to love with abandon. One part in particular stood out to me. Someone told her in response to the amazing things God was doing that she was one of God's favorites. She agreed but reminded her readers we all are. It's easy to read this kind of book and say this is an exception but it's not. God looks at us and sees his favorite. He looks at the person who hurt me and sees his favorite. He looks at the person who is hurting and sees his favorite. If we live in this knowledge how can we not expect great things in our own lives and also in the lives of the people we are trying to forgive.
This morning I read Psalm 33 because it's the 3rd day of February and I can't just keep reading the first 31 psalms over and over! I'm going to be honest, I kind of skimmed those last three verses at first but when I realized I hadn't actually read them, I stopped and made myself concentrate and read it again. And then again. And again. And one more time. And it hit me hard. "We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield." In the midst of the process of forgiveness and healing of deep hurt, I wait in hope for the Lord. In the midst of financial insecurity, I wait in hope for the Lord. In the midst of trying to do something that seems beyond my capacity, I wait in hope for the Lord. It is good to be reminded that there is a lot of waiting involved. The problems aren't solved and the whole plan is not revealed but it is because of the unfailing love of God that I can wait in hope.
On a lighter note, I have failed at reading three books a week and we haven't consistently exercised every day but we have successfully made a meal from a different country! The important things in life :) And I have to say, I'm totally in love with the people in my life. Is that weird to say? But I truly am. I mean, for starters, I had the most amazing 30th birthday party. Pin the dentures on granny bon bon was played, enough said! I'm just so glad I get to do life, the good and the bad, with these people.
Until next time!
This week has been one of those really hard ones where all the areas of struggle, pain, and fear in my life overlapped and overwhelmed me. It was like a perfect storm of things past, present, and future and I allowed it to get the best of me. But I am always amazed that it is in the midst of the mess when I cry out to God and say I don't know what to do that he reminds me of who he is. Several times this week I have been reminded of the greatness of God.
I just finished reading a book called Kisses from Katie this week. It is about a girl who decided to go to Uganda for a year and is now in the process of adopting 13 girls, runs a non-profit that allows over 200 kids to go to school, and reaches out to the community around her. As I read her stories, over and over again she pointed out how God does the impossible when we follow his call to love with abandon. One part in particular stood out to me. Someone told her in response to the amazing things God was doing that she was one of God's favorites. She agreed but reminded her readers we all are. It's easy to read this kind of book and say this is an exception but it's not. God looks at us and sees his favorite. He looks at the person who hurt me and sees his favorite. He looks at the person who is hurting and sees his favorite. If we live in this knowledge how can we not expect great things in our own lives and also in the lives of the people we are trying to forgive.
This morning I read Psalm 33 because it's the 3rd day of February and I can't just keep reading the first 31 psalms over and over! I'm going to be honest, I kind of skimmed those last three verses at first but when I realized I hadn't actually read them, I stopped and made myself concentrate and read it again. And then again. And again. And one more time. And it hit me hard. "We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield." In the midst of the process of forgiveness and healing of deep hurt, I wait in hope for the Lord. In the midst of financial insecurity, I wait in hope for the Lord. In the midst of trying to do something that seems beyond my capacity, I wait in hope for the Lord. It is good to be reminded that there is a lot of waiting involved. The problems aren't solved and the whole plan is not revealed but it is because of the unfailing love of God that I can wait in hope.
On a lighter note, I have failed at reading three books a week and we haven't consistently exercised every day but we have successfully made a meal from a different country! The important things in life :) And I have to say, I'm totally in love with the people in my life. Is that weird to say? But I truly am. I mean, for starters, I had the most amazing 30th birthday party. Pin the dentures on granny bon bon was played, enough said! I'm just so glad I get to do life, the good and the bad, with these people.
Until next time!
Monday, January 7, 2013
An Introduction
I am a terrible blogger. I know, you aren't supposed to start out with that kind of statement. But it's true. I joined the Xanga craze in college (now I'm dating myself) and probably updated it a whole four times. I was always bad at journaling too. I would write a four page entry every January 1st, promising to write more, and write again the next New Year. And since blogging is kind of like public journaling, I have never been very successful. All this to say, I'm jumping on the blogging bandwagon and trying again! Now that I have lowered everyone's expectations, I'm willing to give it a shot :)
So, because of a recent job change aka being let go, I have a lot of time on my hands. Going from a 60 hour a week job with no nights free to hoping to sub and small group one night a week is quite a change. I'm hoping to eventually move to Northern Ireland, start a coffee shop, and help fight sex trafficking but in the mean time I need something to keep me from spending my days watching America's Next Top Model marathons (don't judge)! So, I've set some goals for myself and I'm hoping this blog will keep me somewhat accountable.
Obviously, the most important goal is to figure out how to make this Northern Ireland dream a reality. I'm scared out of my mind and not sure what the first, second, or third step is but I also believe this is in fact the next step for me. Thoughts, advice, and prayers would all be welcomed!
In between hopefully a lot of opportunities to sub and planning out this next adventure, my roommate Cindy and I plan to enjoy tea time daily, cook a meal from another country every week, Just Dance for an hour a day, and finish all the seasons of 24. I know you all are jealous!
My own personal goal this year is to read 3 books a week. Now, I love to read, am a pretty fast reader, but also took a year to read Anna Karenina. And in the honesty of full disclosure, I did finish the third book of the first week in January this morning but I did not decide to do this until Friday, so I'm going to let it slide this time. I'm excited to put a dent in the sizable book list I've created for myself and learn, be encouraged, and change through this.
Wish me luck! I'm about to start on another adventure and will definitely be drinking a lot of coffee along the way and lets face it, probably a couple of Top Model Marathons :)
So, because of a recent job change aka being let go, I have a lot of time on my hands. Going from a 60 hour a week job with no nights free to hoping to sub and small group one night a week is quite a change. I'm hoping to eventually move to Northern Ireland, start a coffee shop, and help fight sex trafficking but in the mean time I need something to keep me from spending my days watching America's Next Top Model marathons (don't judge)! So, I've set some goals for myself and I'm hoping this blog will keep me somewhat accountable.
Obviously, the most important goal is to figure out how to make this Northern Ireland dream a reality. I'm scared out of my mind and not sure what the first, second, or third step is but I also believe this is in fact the next step for me. Thoughts, advice, and prayers would all be welcomed!
In between hopefully a lot of opportunities to sub and planning out this next adventure, my roommate Cindy and I plan to enjoy tea time daily, cook a meal from another country every week, Just Dance for an hour a day, and finish all the seasons of 24. I know you all are jealous!
My own personal goal this year is to read 3 books a week. Now, I love to read, am a pretty fast reader, but also took a year to read Anna Karenina. And in the honesty of full disclosure, I did finish the third book of the first week in January this morning but I did not decide to do this until Friday, so I'm going to let it slide this time. I'm excited to put a dent in the sizable book list I've created for myself and learn, be encouraged, and change through this.
Wish me luck! I'm about to start on another adventure and will definitely be drinking a lot of coffee along the way and lets face it, probably a couple of Top Model Marathons :)
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